julka writing

That feeling of pure happiness and calm

I never realized how much self-hatred I carry with me because of the place I grew up in. I’m very lucky with my family and friends and the fact that I lived in Warsaw most of my life. But knowing what I stand for and knowing what my family stands for wasn’t enough for me to not be influenced. You can know that what is being said is complete bullshit, but it will affect you in ways you don’t even know. I’m still trying to figure it out. What parts of my self-hatred are there because of me and what parts were instilled in me? I always think I don’t let it get to me. I think I can dismiss it. But then it builds up, they drop another “stop LGBT” bomb and I plummet into the ground, into the pit. Maybe I am being dramatic, I don’t have it that bad after all. I don’t have to be in the closet, my parents accept me, my grandparents accept me and love me just the same. My family can support me financially and emotionally while I’m studying abroad.
But I can’t help that feeling. That feeling of despair, it calls me. It feels like I will never stop crying. I know that me accepting myself should be enough, but I don’t think I can until I have that legal confirmation.
I have thought about this day a lot. The day when same-sex marriage will be legal in Poland. I know I sound sure that it will happen, maybe I shouldn’t. But thinking about how I would feel if it were to happen helps me get through all this shit sometimes. That feeling of pure happiness and calm.